Not The Best at Watching Kids
by Three Cheers For Treason
Summary: Ed babysits with Teal. Rated T for language. Oneshot? Mird's challenge.


SO. This took me WAAAAAY longer then I EVER wanted it to. REALLY. 'Just a quick little challenge (.net/topic/65591/18871687/1/#19490049) for theretard-somenumbersIneverremember-Ithink there'safiveintheresomewhereandmaybeafour.' Yeah right. It ended up becoming 6 PAGES LONG. It was supposed to be centered around the phrase, "I'm seriously hoping that I heard wrong, because that last comment kind of made my brain evaporate." BUT I'M SUCH A BADASS I JUST STUCK IT IN THERE. Or I'm just lazy. Probably the last one. I don't really like certain parts of it and classifying it in a genre was WAY TOO HARD. It is crack? Is it fluff? Is it friendship? Is this even a one-shot, for Christ's sake? EYE DEE KAY. JUST ENJOY THE DISCLAIMER AND THE NOTE.

**NOTE:** Teal is my very own OC that I NEVER INTEND TO PAIR WITH ED EVER. SO CHILL YOUR BANANAS.

**DISCLAIMER**: Dude, if I owned FMA…let's not get into that. LET US BEGIN.

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"So…we…have to WATCH it? Like, a TV or something?" Walking down the hall of the apartment complex, the young alchemist trailed behind a girl late into her teens.

"I cannot believe you just called this lady's only child a TV."

"I just don't see why YOU can't just watch it. You know, by YOURSELF?" He grumbled annoyed. Stopping, she whirled her head around, making a tornado of long, frizzy brown hair, and jabbed her finger into his stomach repeatedly while she said in a low voice, "Because, EDWARD, feeding you and housing you costs money that we don't actually have. So I thought that it would be a good idea for you to HOLD SOME WEIGHT." Turning back around, she continued walking down the hall, and said haughtily, "I also thought it would be a nice for you to have a little experience with kids. But of course, I couldn't exactly leave you alone to fend for yourself, could I, Mr. Clap-happy? You'd probably end up transmuting the whole apartment into something ridiculous like a fortress or a diaper. Jesus. You can face a shape shifting monster but you're afraid to hold a little boy who is still afraid of the dark…"

"You know I can't transmute here. And is THAT why you're coming with me?" He asked, a little insulted.

"Why?" She said, stopping again to face him with an angry look on her face and ignoring the last question. "You don't WANT me to come with you?"

"N-no, I- that's not what I meant-" Her face changed, and she said with wide eyes and a bubbly grin,

"Aww, so you WANT me to come with you, Eddy-kins?" Looking a little caught, Ed replied,

"No, I-" He stopped, and looked at her. "I can't win this, can I?" He asked, exasperated.

"Nope!" She said happily, and abruptly turned to the door they were next to and rung the bell. Her finger hadn't even left the button before the door was flung open, and a girl who looked like she had been wrestling a giant rabid cat with curlers in her hair said in a frazzled voice, "Thank the GOD of you're being here," and dragged them both inside.

Everything was everywhere. Dishes were piled high up to the ceiling, and things of all sorts were splattered all over the walls. There was laundry hanging from the chandelier drifting to the floor. Yanking them past the general mess, the girl lead them to a door at the end of a dim hallway littered with toy trucks, and abruptly spun around. Shoving her hand out to Ed, she said with a serious face, "Hello. I am Zeda." Ed glanced over at Teal with an alarmed glance that said, 'I-think-crazy-town-is-missing-one-of-their-residents', and she elbowed him and muttered, "Don't be rude." Cautiously, Ed reached out and took her hand, which she shook vigorously.

"It is nice to be meeting you. I am be thanking yous for coming here on notice of short, ja? Is very kind of you indeed. Before you be meeting Zachary few things you be needing the knowings." She was speaking at a rapid pace now. "The Zachary is being a very naughty today, so please be careful with the washing and drying of him because he gets rise out of the pulling of the long hair in bathtub with mighty claws. I already has filled tub yes. The Zachary goes nappy nappy about 8 the o'clock, and the straps on the bed do not be forgetting to tie for the terrors of the night that the Zachary may or not may have. He is allowed not the cookies of chocolate and if he gets stinky the baby bottoms are of the sink under. You will have to change the Zachary but be careful you have to be because if gas mask wearing you do not be doing you may feel dizziness you may." She took a long, deep breath, and said while clasping her hands together, "Questions you have girl and boy?"

"I'm seriously hoping that I heard wrong, because that last comment kind of made my brain evaporate," Ed said, a little disbelieving at what he had just (or failed to) register. Teal looked a little rattled.

"Erm, well there is one-"

"Is very good, very good," Zeda said, patting them both on the shoulder. "Zeda is be going now. I is being back at 9 o'clock. Fwa-ja!" She called. They heard the door slam.

"Didn't she still have curlers in her hair?" Teal murmured.

"What the hell is wrong with that lady?" Ed said. "She sounded like she had just hopped the train from psycho village over to this building and summoned a tropical storm into her apartment," he grumbled, looking over the mess.

"Aww, she's not that bad. Just a little coo-coo for cocoa puffs is all. C'mon, let's go see the baby."

"She couldn't even speak Amestrian! And what the hell is a cocoa puff?! Teal? TEAL!"

He watched her start creeping her way over to the door at the end of the hall.

"I'm not going near it," He said in an annoyed tone over to her.

"Zachary…?" she called softly, slowly creaking the door open.

FWOOSH. "GAAAH!"

"Teal?" he called. Silence. "Teal, c'mon. This isn't funny." Cautiously pushing the door open. Teal lay on the ground next to the door, unmoving. "Teal! What-" FWOOSH.

A nerf dart stuck to the wall nanometers from Ed's unsuspecting head, and he had widened his eyes from fear. There was a tiny pop, and the dart fell to the ground with a little thump.

"Teal, did he…?"

"Mfmphshhuhlnygumohonphy," was the reply that came from the figure face down on the floor. Ed roughly translated it into, 'If you say so much as a peep, I'll kill you.'

He looked down at her, and said,

"Teal, where did…?" She pointed to the other side of the room without looking up.

He was a tiny baby, with tufts of brown hair sticking out in odd places, and eyes that radiated mischief. In little footie pajamas, he was giggling contently to himself, with the little nerf gun sitting in his hands innocently. Then, seeing Ed still standing, his eyes glinted, and he raised the gun again.

Ed could've sworn he saw it aim with one eye before the dart came sailing across the room and struck him in the dead center of his forehead. I took him a moment to react, and when he did, he fell to the ground.

"GAAH! TEAL! HELP! MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!" he wailed, writhing. Going limp, he raised his hand frailly, and whispered dramatically, "Tell Al…Tell Al I loved him like a brother…" and closed his eyes.

A shadow passed over his head, and Ed peeked up with one eye. Teal was towering over him, baby in one hand, nerf gun in the other, with the crushed dart still hanging from her forehead. "I swear to God Ed, I didn't come over hear to watch 2 babies," she said annoyed, leaning Zachary on her hip and putting the toy weapon on to the counter. "I mean, good GOD, the kid can't even walk yet and he's shooting strangers with nerf guns!"

"Uh, Teal?" Ed said, motioning towards her forehead.

"I KNOW ABOUT THE DART, ED," she growled, and yanked it off of her forehead with a comical pop.

"Alright, what did Mrs. Nutty bananas say to do with him now?"

"Erm…I believe the term was 'the washing and the drying?'" Ed said while they walked towards the bathroom.

"Fine. Here, hold the baby while I-"

Stopping at the entrance to the washroom, Teal raised her eyebrows at the tub.

"She…already filled it up," she said cautiously. Ed looked from the water to her.

"What? Why are you saying it like that?"

"It's just…nothing. Here, help me undress the little devil." Zachary, who had been gurgling and clapping happily, glared up at them when they removed his footie pajamas.

"Well…what do we do now?"

"I guess we just…dump it in."

"Don't call him it! His name is Zachary! And do you really think that's the best way to take care of a baby?!"

"Well, I don't know! I've never done this before! You do it! I don't care!" he said loudly, annoyed.

"Geez, Ed! I can't believe you!" Teal said angrily. "How can you just completely disregard someone's baby like this?! You're so cowardly about the stupidest things!"

"I AM NOT! And what does that have anything to do with ANYTHING?! You girls just change the subject at random and it pisses me off!" Oh, NOW he's done it. She blew up like Roman candle.

"Oh, I am SO SORRY that I made you MAD, Mr. EDWARD ELRIC, State Shitbag!" She hissed sarcastically.

"IT'S NOT EVEN MY BABY!"

"You're arrogant and self centered and it makes me mad that you can't look at this little kid and say, 'I will take care of you!'" She yelled angrily.

"I CAN'T DO THAT!"

"WHY THE FUCK NOT?!"

"I JUST CAN'T!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T?! YOU CAN'T WHAT?!"

"I CAN'T LIE AGAIN!" Ed yelled.

Teal stopped, stunned.

"Wh-what?" she said quietly. He was turning red now.

"Nothing. It's nothing," he muttered, turning away.

"Ed-"

"Do you know what it's like to have to look someone in the eyes after you broke a promise? There's nothing in this world or mine that compares to that, Teal. Nothing. And after that day? I couldn't even…I promised. I promised I'd take care of him after Mom died. And I…" He wasn't even talking to her now, just staring up at the ceiling, eyes misty with memories.

"How am I supposed to take care of some lady's baby if I can't even take care of my own brother?"

The silence was deafening. Until she spoke. Reaching out to him, she said quietly,

"Ed…you never, ever…" She stopped. And her eyes widened with fear, and she looked around wildly. He turned to face her, face puzzled.

"What? I never, ever what? Teal?"

"Jesus Christ on a pogo stick – Ed- where is he?!"

"Who, Al?"

"No you dumbass, Zachary! Where's Zachary?!" she snapped frantically. Ed's eyes widened. One word escaped his mouth.

"Shit."

They looked everywhere. If they didn't think the living space could get any dirtier, then they were wrong. They turned over matrsees, cleaned out cabinets, dug through piles of clothes and moved furniture. But the baby was nowhere to be found. And Teal? Teal was freaking out.

"Ed, Ed, he's gone, ohmigod, ohmigod, we're gonna die, he's gonna die, he's probably somewhere all alone hungry and cold and crying 'cuz we left him and he's gone, ohmigod-" she was blubbering now, looking in every direction, eyes wide and tearing.

"Look, he can't have gone anywhere that far, right? I mean it's a little apartment, right? Right? RIGHT?!" Ed was running in circles, not even bothering to look anymore. Teal was sitting on the overturned table, shaking her head furiously.

"No, No, No, he's just gone, and he's gone!!!"

"DON'T TALK LIKE THAT! WE'LL FIND HIM! WE HAVE TO FIND HIM!"

"DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE THAT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU DIDN'T GO ALL MUSHY ON ME AND ENTICE ME WITH YOUR FLUFF-!!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT TAKING CARE OF THE STUPID BABY!!"

"DON'T CALL HIM-" but she stopped, and her eyes widened. She was looking above his head.

"I MEAN, IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A BOSSY-"

"Ed."

"AND ANOTHER THING! WHY DID YOU CALL ME A DUMBASS BEFORE!?"

"Ed."

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ANYWAYS?!"

"ED."

"WHAT?!"

"I found Zachary," she said, looking terrified up at the chandelier. Ed spun around, and followed her gaze up, up, up to the ceiling. And there he was. Sitting. On the rungs of the lighting. With a nerf gun. There was a silence.

"Ed," she said quietly. A sudden calmness had rested over her, and she spoke softly but clearly. "I want you to SLOWLY make your way over to the overturned mattress."

"Are you kidding me?" Ed hissed, looking from Zachary to the floor. "He's not a dinosaur, Teal. It's not like if we don't make any sudden movements he won't see us." Zachary flickered his eyes from one teenager to the other.

"How did he even get up there in the first place?" Ed said, inching forward. Teal kept her eyes on the baby, who was glancing from Ed to the overturned bed by his side. It hit her then. Speaking in a more shaken tone then before, she said,

"Edward."

"What."

"He's going to jump."

"_What?!"_ Ed said, eyes flickering over at her incredulously.

"He's going to try and jump on to the mattress from the chandelier. It probably looks like a short jump from up there, but he's not going to make it."

"I'm still wondering if we should just let him fall."

"EDWARD."

"WHAT?!" he hissed.

"Ed, listen. He's going to jump and you have to catch him and fall on to the mattress."

"Wh- _what_?" he said. The fear was evident in his voice now, and his golden eyes flashed over to her.

"I'll tell you when."

"Wait! Teal- I…" he hesitated, and she smiled at him.

"I know you can do it, Edward."

"But…Teal…if I don't catch…"

"Get ready."

"TEAL!" Zachary crouched down on to his knees, getting ready to spring. He grinned, the plastic toy still in his hands.

"NOW, EDWARD."

"T-" In a tiny fraction of a second, she looked over at her, the hint of a smile playing at the edges of her lips. Ed looked surprised, but with a new fire in his eyes, turned to the mattress, reached out his arms, and leaped.

_They were five, and Al and him had rolled up their pants so they could wade in the water of the river that ran so close to their house. It was really bright outside, and the water rushed with life in a way that almost glowed. They remembered how their mom had told them no to go into the middle of the river, because that was where the current ran strong and deep. Ed, in his stoic mindset, had ventured out towards the center in an effort to prove his bravery. Al had followed suit. _

"_Now remember," Ed had told him as they struggled to remain upright, "remember not to bend your knees."_

"_Brother, look! Look at the fish!" Al had yelled, excited. "Look at the fish!"_

"_No Al, don't! Don't bend your kn-" and Al fell. Almost upon instinct, Ed plunged his hand down into the current, and caught Al before he came whizzing past him in the rush of the water. Pulling his younger brother up, Ed yelled into Al's face, "I SAID DON'T BEND YOUR KNEES, STUPIDHEAD!" Al, still initially shocked from falling in, grinned abruptly in a smile that was missing some baby teeth, and laughed, "You SAVED me, Brother!"_

"_Of COURSE I saved you, dummy!" Ed said. " You're my younger brother. It's my JOB." He peered at Al. "Hey. You're not cryin' or nothin'. Why ain't you scared?" Al giggled, and said looking over at Ed with a grin, "'cause I knew you would catch me, brother."_

Ed fell with a loud and painful thump on the edge of the mattress where it met the hardwood floor. The lights and the glasses in the cabinets and on the floor shook with a clinking noise as he made contact with the ground, and pain shot up his leg mercilessly. With his eyes squenched shut and fearing the worst, Ed thought to himself, _please, please, please let me have a horrible annoying baby with a nerf gun in my hands when I open my eyes._ Peering into his arms wearily, he let his head hit the floor as he sighed in relief. Zachary climbed up his arm and gave him a slobbery lick in the face.

"I'm not sure if I want to falcon punch him or give him a bear hug," Teal said, looking over at them with her arms crossed. Ed glanced over at her.

"Are you kidding? I'll strangle this kid with my pocket watch if he ever pulls something like that again." Teal laughed, and said in a quieter voice over to him, "I said you could do it."

"Are you really telling me I told you so?"

"Ed," she said, walking over to him, "You're so dumb, you know that?"

He scowled at her, and then said in a more serious tone, "What were you going to say before?" She looked a little shocked, and then said with glassy eyes, " I was going to tell you…you never, ever stopped caring for Al. On that day…you did something every human does."

"Oh yeah? What's that? Ruin a life? Take away all of the hopes and dreams of my only living family member?" he said darkly. She smiled, and reaching her hand out to help him up, said to him, "No. You made a mistake."

For a split second, Edward Elric's golden eyes changed to show a fleeting emotion that Teal had never seen before. Some kind of deadly mixture of greif and repentance and realization. It was gone in an instance, and he got up with the baby in his arms.

"C'mon. Let's put Zachary to bed." Teal stared at him, and then began to smile. He looked at her funny, and demanded, "What? What did I do?!"

"You called him Zachary," she giggled. Huffing, he turned towards the bedroom. "You're weird, Teal. I'd get your head checked or something if I were you." She smiled, and followed him through the door.

"Did we feed him?"

"No."

"Did we bathe him?"

"Nope."

"Did we even check his diaper?"

"Uh, NO."

"So basically, all we did was trash the whole apartment, endanger the life of an infant, and then sent him to bed hungry and dirty in a diaper full of the disgusting product of his bodily functions." he nodded.

"I think we might be the worst babysitters in the world, Ed. Remind me never to have children," Teal grumbled as they stood in the doorway of his room, leaning against the frame.

"Hey! We did do one thing right! We strapped him into bed!" he said. They both simultaneously looked over at the thrashing child in the twin-sized bed, trying to escape the confines of his mattress and screaming bloody murder.

"Awww. It just warms my heart to see him like this."

"I think she'll pay us extra for tightening those straps for extra caution when she gets back."

They both froze and looked around slowly at the trashed apartment.

"When she gets…"

There was a silence.

"You wanna steal the toaster and sneak out through the fire escape?"

"You practically read my mind."

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Something I realized later:

"Hey Teal?"

"Hnn?"

"What's a Jesus Christ? You've been saying it all day and I've just been wondering..."

She stared a him for a second, and then burst out laughing, throwing her head back dramatically.

"What?!" He demanded angrily. "What did I say?!"

"Nothing," she said, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye, "It's nothing."

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End file.
